Tuesday, October 5, 2010

How NOT to Keep a Low Profile

With all this talk about terrorist threats and how Americans should keep a low profile I thought I'd do some research.
To be honest, I didn't mean to do the research. I'm just an American and so I do American things without even thinking it's American. Duh. And then I feel stupid.

How NOT to keep a low profile:
#1 For sure you should go jogging after lunch.
#2 Always wear shorts and a tank top.
#3 Be sure you have super shiny, neon green Nike shoes.
#4 By all means wear your hot pink ipod strap on your upper arm.
#5Of course you should stay to the main thoroughfares and never jog on jogging appropriate paths like a normal person.
#6 Have it be 100 degrees and be one of those unfortunates who turns super rock n' roll RED when exercising in the heat.

And if that's not enough, you might as well wear some of those American flag jogging shorts. I might as well have.

From now on it's jogging in the early morning hours when I don't stand out quite so much.
Or maybe I'll give in and start riding a bike everywhere. Definitely no helmet. Always a scarf and skirt. And there had better be cigarette smoking. That should do it.


  1. Bicycle or neon green runners . . . as long as you aren't toting masses of tourists in your shoes or on your bike, it's probably okay. At least you can enjoy your uncontrollable urge to be who you are - that's what makes your posts great fun to read : )

    waving like hello and smiling a big alabama smile from the Wicklow Hills,

  2. right on aidan. i think it's the equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. i say jog on, jog proud. jog perhaps with a german shepherd? the biggest threat to girls who run is unfortunately the garden variety bogey man.

  3. I'm the only person in Le Petit Village who jogs. If Al Qaeda came here, they wouldn't have any problems spotting the American. Maybe I should try that smoking trick?

  4. more tips Aidan:
    1. that's a BLACK scarf and skirt
    2. when asked how you are, make sure to recount your most recent troubles.
    3. Never appear to be exhuberantly happy.
    4. Jog with your dog and make sure he leaves a pile in the middle of the public walkway that you shouldn't be jogging on anyway.
    5.If you are stopped, begin shouting loudly about your political views and throw in a few references to kooky philosophers as well as long dead musicians while you're at it.
    6. If you are stopped, tell whomever stopped you that "it's not my fault".
    7. Do not at any time look like you're working too hard.
    8. If someone tries to strap a bomb to your body, tell them "C'est pas possible!"

    That should cover you.


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