One of the troubles with living far from home is that when things happen, as they will, you are, well...far, far away.
This past weekend I was faced with the worst case scenario of far far away when my dad became very ill from complications following back surgery. Complications escalated into full throttle as he fought for life and some very difficult decisions demanded to be made. My sister, who lives six hours from him, rushed back to his bedside. I could only call and thankfully, FaceTime while we cried, weighed options, and had to make the hardest decision of anyone's life. The hardest decision. No question.
Thanks to the time difference, I was on middle-of-the-night duty. Well, I put myself on it and tried to believe that it made some kind of difference to anything at all as I called every three hours for updates while my sister, living on East Texas time, tried to sleep.
Who knows why, it's one of those bizarre mysteries, but against it all and proving the doctor that told me I was going to have to 'call it' over the phone on Friday, my dad has made it. He is one tough, opinionated, stubborn old nut. (That description will thrill him when he's able to read this, by the way.)
He has surprised everyone. His regular doctor had tears in his eyes when he realized the extent of his improvement. I owe Dad some posts. Before he got so sick, he specifically asked that I write about the last two chateaux we visited back in October. I will write them for him, as soon as he's ready to read them.
Being far, far away has its wonders and joys and I wouldn't trade it for another life. But when things like this happen, I am so grateful for technology. For connections like this blog, texting, email and most of all, video devices like FaceTime. I was able to talk to my dad using FT. My sister took her phone into his ICU room and he heard my voice, smiled, mouthed my name. He knows I'm calling the hospital in the middle of the night Texas time. He knows I am thinking of him every minute. He knows that even though I'm in France and so far away that I am still with him.
PS Do you have a living will? Does someone know your wishes and have a legal voice to express them should you not be able to?
Wow. I'm glad your dad's OK. You're right that living so far from "Home "A" can make one feel helpless in situations like yours. Thank god for modern technology.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you have to go through this while being so far away, Aidan. I can certainly relate. I pray my parents stay healthy for many, many more years. Happy to hear your brave Dad has pulled through. Yes, you should definitely write that post about the Chateaux... I can't wait to read the story. And no, i do not have a living will, but that is on my list of things to do. Courage, Aidan, courage. Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)
ReplyDeleteHI Aidan, I am so, so thankful your dad came out of this ok, even though I am sure it will be a bit of a long road to complete recovery (or maybe not, hopefully!) I completely understand your situation, as I am in the same one, but in reverse. I am a french citizen, living in the US because of my husband's job (he is in the US Air Force), and every day that goes by is another day I wish I could be closer to home and my loved ones. My biggest regret to this day is not being able to be by my grandfather's side when he passed away 14 years ago now...I was "stuck" in the US could not make it back in time to say goodbye. I continue to live in fear of having to deal with this again (going home in April to celebrate my grandma's 90th birthday), I don't think I could cope with it. I continue to hope that I can return home for good sooner rather than later so that I can enjoy my family while they are still here. (P.S: my home town is actually Montpellier :) My mom lives in the "town" of Juvignac, on the golf course, you might be familiar with it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. Where are you in the States? It sounds like you've been there for quite some time. I hope you love it as much as I love my experiences here in your country. I am sorry you missed the death of your grandfather. It is really far to travel when there is a rush for time plus it isn't inexpensive is it? Especially when you have to book last minute. I was in the situation of trying to decide what to do...if I should go or not and most importantly, when. As you know, Montpellier is difficult to leave and I would have to take the train to Paris for the quickest way home.
DeleteI hope you have a wonderful time with your family in April...that's just around the corner! And that you can come home for good at some point.
Thank you again for reaching out and sharing your story. I'd love to hear more about your life in the US. I'll go check out your blog now.
Best,
Aidan
Hi Aidan, sending you a private message through your FB page. I have not done much with my blogs, I also have one I started when we lived in Germany about photos and traveling, which you might enjoy seeing: http://www.belleimage.webs.com/ Sadly, since moving here I have not touched it...
DeleteYes, flying last minute is crazy expensive, which is the reason I could not fly back home to be with my grandpa...airlines should have a program where you can get affordable prices if your loved ones is really ill and you have to fly last minute...wishful thinking LOL
Please keep us posted on how your dad is doing :)
Stephanie
Stephanie,
DeleteI'm so happy to meet you. I had a look at your blog and love the wine labels. I have a few I'd like to show you, one in particular is pictured on the blog. It's on a bottle of rose from the area.
I figured your reasons for not being here for your grandfather were the same as my indecision around going home last weekend. Some airlines have bereavement fares but you have to have a death certificate, which isn't helpful when these tough decisions are on the line, and the fares weren't all that reduced to be honest. At least not that I found.
I will update on Dad's condition. Thanks so much.
Aidan x
Your blog brought tears to my eyes, and I'm so glad your dad is going to be ok. I'm American, my husband is French, and we live in St. Louis, Missouri. His dad is 84, and in intensive care at a hospital in Paris. He's been doing the same as you, calling every few hours, Skype calls, etc. It looks like he's going to be ok too :-) We are getting ready to move to Béziers permanently this summer, so with my aging parents and the rest of my family in Louisiana, I'll be facing some of these difficult times at some point in the future as well. I ran across your blog the other day, and have even talked to some of my friends about your adventures. Thought I'd let you know that I'm putting a link to your blog on my own (living-in-languedoc.com). I look forward to reading more of your posts, merci!
ReplyDeleteHi again,
DeleteI loved getting your email over the weekend, I needed it!, but I thought I replied. I'm sorry if I didn't.
I was hesitant to write anything about the experience at all, it is so personal, but my husband encouraged me to share it because of the distance and living abroad factor. Plus, he knows me and understands how I process things through writing them down!
I'll list your blog as well. I'm looking forward to welcoming you and your family to this beautiful part of France.
I'm so sorry about your husband's situation with his father but am glad he's recovering too. Please know that I'm sending my best wishes to you and to Paris. Bon courage...
Best,
Aidan x
Oh Aidan, I feel for you. My dad died in April last year and I wasn't able to be there, but he was in a coma having had a massive stroke. I got over for the week before the funeral to help my mum and was able to take my time saying good-bye then.
ReplyDeleteIt is a tough call living so far away. I have two brothers who live much nearer so they were able to keep me updated about my dad's condition as they sat with him when the machines were turned off. Very sad.
Thing is, if you can't get back in time, that's just the way it is, but technology does help to maintain visual contact and enable you to 'be there' in more than just spirit. I'm glad your dad is okay and I hope he enjoys your posts on the chateaux. xx
Sarah,
DeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. I feel like I remember you going through that and I felt horrible for you then.
I understand the feeling of getting the news and making decisions with siblings from far away. That was the situation we were in Friday and thankfully my sister was there and could see it for herself and held the doctors off a bit longer or he wouldn't be here.
It makes me cry to think of your brothers and the weight of that moment and for you, to have been here.
You can't take back time, it's true. That's why we have to love and forgive and believe that everyone does the best they can do with the choices they have to make in life.
Thank you.
Aidan xo
While we were in France my husband flew back when a family member died. I remember well the hopelessness of being so far away, and the feeling of unfairness that I was stuck with the kids instead of where I was "needed," with family, with my husband. I believe there was even a tinge of jealousy, as this was during a period of adjustment in our expatriation when I was intensely missing all things American. Hugs to you during this difficult time... xo
ReplyDeleteI am so very happy to hear your dad is doing better Aiden. We had to make a decision a few years ago to honor my father's wishes and turn off a respirator and watch him pass away. One of the hardest things I have ever been involved with but we knew he didn't want extraordinary efforts put forth. Your comments about having a signed Living Will or POLST resonates with me because of my personal experience and the fact I work with elderly people every day but most of all because I keep putting his off for myself. My wife gives me a very hard time about this. I hope your dad continues to progress and enjoys reading your posts about your chateau visits.
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I am so happy your Pop is doing better. That must have been horrible for you. Sometimes living far far away is just too far for me. I wish it were easier. There must be a teleport machine being made somewhere! (We fly from Barcelona since its cheaper with klm).
ReplyDeleteDear Aidan, I know. My mother passed 1 moth ago and my son who lives in California was not only sad about the loss, but devastated about being so far, far away.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that your Dad is recovering.
So glad your Dad is recovering. How wonderfully ironic that the distance enabled you to be so close so that your family members could rest.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that your Dad is on the road to recovery, he certainly sounds like a fighter. Thank goodness for modern technology at a time like that - it really helps when you can see your loved ones while speaking to them. Your question about the Living Will is a good one, I never really thought about it before, so thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Aidan,
ReplyDeleteJust catching up with your blog. I'm very happy to hear that your Dad is recovering. My Mom passed away in 2003 when we were still in Ireland, and though I made it back within two days when she took a turn for the worse, I missed being with her when she died by just a few hours. Heartbreaking, but what you said about loving and forgiving is really the most important part.