Monday, June 18, 2012

School Gate French

Sometimes I dread the school pick-up. I'm sure you might sometimes too.

My dread comes from having to put on my French speaking clothes, metaphorically of course. There's not a magic dress that I can put on and, voila!, my French improves. Oh, that there was...

No, it's less of a dress some days and more like armor. Or maybe the armor is my English speaking outfit, when I just can't make my brain work in French and so sit in the car until the very last minute, keep my head down while waiting for the gate to open and get by with just a few bisous and 'Bonjours! and ca vas?'.

All around me, all of the time, people speak French. My kids even do it.

{Clementine, just because}
I can do it too.
Just.
But it can be exhausting.

Bestie K told me that when she talks to some of the immigrant moms at her daughters' school in Texas, she always thinks of me.
She imagines me at the school gate in the role of the ESL mom, struggling and butchering the language just to say a few quick sentences, make some jokes, be human. And it's not far off. I do feel that way at times.

More and more I feel like the mom who would let her children speak for her, the mom I never wanted to be.

But maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself. I do talk all the time. I do try a bit every day. It's just that sometimes it's so dad-gum hard that I feel like giving up, giving in, relinquishing my struggle to be understood as me, rather than just a few sparse, frugally constructed sentences.

The isolation of this does creep in. The trick is not to let the isolation turn into a happy place. By this I mean, not to let the isolation make you pad yourself further until you give up needing to be a part of your new community and language. We have a happy, little English-speaking American embassy of sorts here Chez Larson. The important thing, and the challenge, is to break out of it every day. To leave it at home and to speak and listen and engage out there in the French world.

The longer you live somewhere the less brave you become. Why is that?

Do any of you struggle with life in a new language?
How do you keep from feeling pleasantly isolated from it?

{American Zone, Chez Larson}
For now, I'm off to put on all my French speaking clothes and just get on with it.
I'll especially need them today. I'm spending it at the lake with Ma Fille's class for sports day. She told me that when her teacher said I was one of the parents coming today, several of her friends shouted a little 'ouais!!' and said they wanted to be in my group.
Maybe it doesn't matter that I'm sitting firmly on a French plateau. Maybe they do 'get' me, after all.

I need a little, bon courage!




33 comments:

  1. Have a great day at the lake - school trips are a great way of integrating. You are so right about the longer you are here the less brave you get, but I think it is linked to the more French you learn the more you realise you still don't know!!! We all have some days when we enjoy staying in isolation, so don't worry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks Jacqui. It was a great day. Made better by encouragement from friends like you. i think you're right about the realization that there is so much more to know in French and what a long road ahead it is.
      bisous,
      aidan

      Delete
  2. Bon courage, Aidan. You ARE a courageous Mom, it is not easy to arrive into a new country, try to learn the habits and the language. But you are doing all this, with a smile and lots of humour.
    Do not let the 'shy' moments win! You can do it, you already proved that you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Blandina. You are always so sweet to me. It isn't easy at all and I know you know that well. I hope someday I can write in French like you do in English. I'm always so impressed by you. Your note was one that made me cry a bit. I do try, every day.
      merci beaucoup,
      aidan x

      Delete
  3. For me, very newly arrived in France, it is a struggle, but I am hoping I do not lose my nerve, as that would ruin me. I'm not even anywhere near where you are. Congratulations on doing a really amazing job of assimilating so far, and also on the admiration of your daughter's friends -well deserved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay, newly arrived in France are great words to hear from you! Welcome. I hope it is going well and that you're settling in. Thanks so much. I'm glad you made it!
      aidan xo

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Aidan. We're so glad to be here! Hope your school trip day went well yesterday. K x

      Delete
  4. You can do it! You can do it! I hope it goes well. I'm sure you're the mom that will have the "coolest" group at sports day. Just because the other moms are tough - maybe the kids aren't and want to be in the "english" group? I'm sure your "french outfit" today was fab! And you know my woes w/ French... we're in it together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristen, It went really well, thanks. I rocked my 'french outfit' today! I even taught some of the girls how to make daisy chains. I'm glad you're here with me...the more the merrier. I hope the homesickness has subsided a bit.
      gros bisous,
      aidan

      Delete
  5. I have a good reputation among my sons' friends too. I think it's the different approach we have to things, in a positive way, that goes down well.

    I used to speak (briefly) to some of the parents at the school gate but never really knew what to say. I had to dash there from work and my son was anxious to get home so we didn't linger. Now he goes there and back by himself so I don't need to bother any more.

    Interestingly, we had our French neighbours over for supper on Saturday and she asked me how many friends I had in the village. When I said not many, she said she had the same which surprised me as I thought she was a member of several associations. She told me she used to be but the members were so annoying that she left.

    So don't worry, it's not just the foreigners who live in splendid isolation. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah,
      You've been here so long you are the language pro that I want to some day be! I can understand nearly everything and I sometimes think that makes it worse to not be able to express my reply in a normal way because I've understood it normally. Well, nearly.
      People are people, you're right. Everyone needs a bit of isolation and regrouping at times.
      That's universal I guess.
      aidan x

      Delete
    2. That's very kind of you to say so, but I'm still not 'me' in French. I can't express myself as me as I can in English and when I try I usually get blank looks. :)

      I really value my foreign friends with whom I can be me. I have very few true French friends although I know a lot of people having been here so long.

      Delete
  6. Gosh, this is so right on the money. Love your honesty, Aidan. Things are better for me now (they better be after over ten years!) but in the beginning it was terrrrrible. I moved to Paris from NYC, quite happy with myself as a loquacious artsy type. Nope. For three years, I was the silent girlfriend--absolutely the last thing I ever thought I would be. It knocked any bit of confidence right out of me and I am still struggling to get it back. That is one of the reasons why I started my blog--to be able to express exactly what I want, not some at times ridiculous approximation. And I still have my moments here--thank goodness folks are friendlier about my struggles in the South than they were in Paris (ouch)--but at least I know that yes, I will always have an accent and that is OK!
    PS. Thanks for the photo of Clementine. I love her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! PS. Good Luck today!!! Sorry--this subject hits home so I got a bit mememe. I know you will do great and that you will have a blast--the kids will love you and they don't care if your past parfait isn't parfait!!!

      Delete
    2. Heather,
      I love your comments so much. You always say exaclty what you're feeling and in such a wonderful way. Just like your blog. I'm happy that you're finding it easier down here. I do think that the people are genuinely friendly and want to welcome and encourage us. And this accent? Well, we'll just have to meet and you'll see for yourself! It's actually not that bad, but it's not French by any stretch.
      Clementine would love you and Ben too. I'm sure of it1
      bisous,
      aidan xo

      Delete
  7. "The longer you live somewhere the less brave you become. Why is that?"
    I wish I knew..the more bilingual I get the more I realize that people aren't really getting the gist of what I am trying to say, so that now I am less brave to put it all out there in a conversation. But now that my girls are in "college", I don't have those forced "stand by the school gate" conversations anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, it's happy isolation then. It works sometimes doesn't it? But I'm sure you are getting your point across beautifully. It may also be cultural, mightn't it? No school pickups in 'college', huh? That sounds nice.
      bisous,
      aidan

      Delete
  8. Oh, I've done that hide in the car thing too! I get tired of feeling dumb sometimes, so I hide. I'll tell you one thing, when we go home I will be sure to make conversation with any non-english-speaking expat parents I meet. And I will speak just that little bit slower and with no slang. I will never underestimate what a difference small acts of kindness to a stranger can make, I live for them. x x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know you know Kirsty. It is absolutely true that we will treat non English speakers with more patience and kindness after thie experience. I live for those kindnesses too. Always have.
      you're the best,
      aidan xo

      Delete
  9. Chin up! Because it matters so much to you, you'll continue to try, that's all you can do. (I've been there, and can feel your pain)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Mem! You've got me figured out. I am a chin up kinda girl!
      It was a great day, French and all. I'll have to tell you all about it next week.
      bisous,
      aidan

      Delete
  10. I cannot relate to your situation, but I am so sorry that you are having to deal with it. I hope the Moms are all sympathetic and not rude to you! Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! The moms that talk to me are always sympathetic and I try to assume that the ones who don't bother are just afraid I'll try to speak English to them!
      It was a great day. Hug felt.
      bisous,
      aidan

      Delete
  11. As a US born child of immigrants to the US I watched my parents go through the same struggles. They survived and so will you :) I think the part about being less brave comes because we know we don't sound as "smart" in the other languages and we are conscious of others, in their ignorance, bad mouthing those with accents, those trying to speak the language with difficulty or those who cling to fellow immigrants so the brain can take a break (at least that is very common in the US).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stacey,
      Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful comment today. You are so right about the bravery going out the window with the realization that I sound less intelligent in French than I AM in English. Thankfully, most of the French people I talk to are kind and tell me how hard I'm trying and how well I'm doing. I just wish I were further on after two years.
      I hope you keep reading and commenting. I love making new friends.
      Where did your parents immigrate from?
      all the best,
      aidan xo

      Delete
    2. Parents came to the US from Greece. If you ever saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding it is my life with NO exaggeration and only one exception - we had Tylenol instead of Windex :)

      Delete
  12. Wow! I have to send a blanket reply of heartfelt thanks to all of you for being so kind to me today. You've made me cry with all this encouragement and kindness. This is why I continue this blog, why I sit here and write out my feelings and struggles as well as triumphs...because of you and the virtual hug I feel right now.
    gros bisous a tous,
    aidan xo

    ReplyDelete
  13. I feel the same way, but instead of at the school gates, it's in the tennis club locker room. Light banter is everywhere... it's hard to squeak out a light-hearted reply.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherry,
      I always find that I think of it but by the time I figure out how to say it, the moment is gone.
      Tennis, huh? That sounds like a great way to meet people and break out of the English speaking cocoon.
      Bon courage,
      aidan xo

      Delete
  14. Of course those kids get you! It's impossible not to get you, even the guy in the wine shop in Aix got you, remember?? He was telling you all about his kids for heavens sake! You're warm and charming in every language and that always translates.
    You'll have to wear your French clothes this weekend but at least we'll wear them together :) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sara. Maybe we'll just wear our English outfits instead. Throw on a French scarf if they're lucky.
      a xo

      Delete
  15. What a great post, Aidan - You hit the nail right on the head. My kids bus most days..but the few I have to pick up at Maternelle or school - I dread...Yes, I do okay also - but I also never know what to say, or exactly how to make small talk...I usually do more listening...there's a small group of women who I know through our kids and birthday parties..but since I'm not there everyday (thankfully), it's still uncomfortable. Now we have started riding bikes some days to school - guess I have to continue to "try" and put on the brave front. I haven't had to chaperone any trips yet ...but I'm sure my day will come. Thank you for your honesty and know you are not alone...it was comforting for me to read! I too, chin up and try each day...but still waiting for it to get easier.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't have quite the same problem - no children - but I struggle to make small talk with our French friends. I wasn't that good at small talk in English, so, of course, in French it's even worse!!!
    I think we just need to keep trying hard, and try not to care what people think. In the end, those who really matter to us will be the ones who encourage us, laugh WITH us over our mistakes, and help us to stumble through those irregular verbs that I can't conjugate.
    God bless x

    ReplyDelete

It makes my day to read your comments. They're an answer to my floating words in blogland.